Thursday, 25 June 2009
-
The not so beautiful portrait...
She sits alone in her bedroom. The bright pink walls appear faded against the dull light of her bright pink lamp - the clock on her desk reads 12:51 AM. This girl is busy right now...flipping through the pages of her Cosmo Magazine while lying on her bright pink comforter. Page 112 - she rips it out. Page 112 - she looks at it carefully, not an ounce of fat on the model's perfect body. She closes the magazine, sets the picture aside, and goes to the bathroom. It's time, and she's ready... Stepping on the scale, the red numbers read 1-7-2.5 With a frustrated sigh - filled with both anger and anguish, she grabs a green toothbrush off of the holder next to the sink and grips it so hard that her knuckles turn white. It's time, and she's ready... She closes the door and pushes the button in the center of the knob...it's locked. Nobody can get inside the door, nobody can hear outside the door. You know what happens next...
About fifteen minutes later, this same girl is crouched over the toilet, like some sort of animal. Her hair is messy...it clings together in thick segments - held in tact by her own vomit...too short to pull back, too long to escape the stream. Her eyes are red from crying - the mascara has dripped from her eyelashes to her cheekbones, and a plump sixteen year old girl tries to erase the "damage" she's done today - eating too much - eating not enough. The back of her throat throbs, it's sore from being continually poked by the back of her toothbrush, and her stomach muscles ache while her mouth yearns for water - some form of hydration.
It's now 1:39. The six no bake cookies that entered her mouth two hours ago just exited it two seconds ago. Her nose is running, and she can't stop crying. It hurts to hurt - emotionally and physically.
This is the not so beautiful portrait of a teenage girl who can't seem to see the beauty in the mirror. She is fun, outgoing, and well liked...but she doesn't know it. Despite her friends, despite her family - the mirror reflection gets to her - and sooner or later, so does bulimia.
Recently I've seen a lot of posts out there about weight loss...and the circulating EDs (eating disorders) are getting a lot of positive attention. It's like the new fashion accessory to have on your xanga page - pictures of emaciated girls and the words INTAKE in bold with a short list to follow. There is this one blog that stuck out to me though, it was of an 18 year old girl who seemed so much like myself it was scary...except, she wanted to become bulimic.
All the pictures that I saw on her site were very stereotypical - they were all very thin, wore a lottt of eyeliner and skinny jeans - each girl awkwardly placed over a toilet bowl. ...if only it was half as attractive of a process as all these "thinspo" pictures portray it to be.
Bulimia isn't cute - there's nothing attractive about puking up your dinner...I would know - I was the girl with page 112 on my bulletin board - the one admiring it on her bright pink comforter - the one clutching her green toothbrush - the one who saw 172.5 on the scale.
My Grandmother was bulimic too - she died weighing 87 lbs at 5'4. She had a feeding tube in her stomach, just so she could have her 1/2 can of formula to keep herself alive each day of her life
if life is what you could even call it. When the pneumonia came, she was too weak to fight it off, leaving us all 83 years too soon. ...this is not a game, and not something to try "just to see if it works." PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS. There's a saying - "If you play with fire, you're going to get burned." This is true - and although you may not literally burn your esophagus will.I've gotten help, and I hope that you, the ones in denial, get it too.
Stay healthy. Stay innocent. Stay safe.
...don't do it. Just...don't.
- A.
-
recommend
- recs 31
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to colormethespian's Xanga Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in colormethespian's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (68)
This post was quite well-written. I agree with you completely.
Bulimia is not something to be taken lightly, it is not "cute."
I've been dealing with it on and off for over three years, and I'm sick of it.
I'm currently in the application process to a residential treatment program, which I hope will help rid me of this disorder.
I'm glad you liked it - also, I'm glad you're getting help. I don't understand why anyone would attempt to become bulimic - people are so ignorant. =/
I'm glad you got help. I hate seeing those sites as well. If only eating disorders were as glamourous as the "wanna-bes" make them out to be.
I really hope the girls that need to see this do. You're very brave for overcoming this disorder and realizing that you are beautiful inside AND out. I've never struggled with an ED (I love food way too much) but I did struggle with a heroin addiction and I know that once something takes over your body it's really hard to get it to let go.
Beautifully written...
Thank you for this post. I was reading a few blogs the other day with girls deciding to fast. They weren't just getting support, but also followers. It is not right. I may not be one to judge, since I have been through some of those and still am. I do not approve of this kind of behavior. People need to take action.
I am glad to hear someone on the right side.
I have a daughter who is very tall and not stick thin. She is fourteen and we have worked very hard to help her see the beautiful young lady she is. She is almost five eleven and has long brown hair and HUGE brown eyes. She is not only pretty to look at though, she is wonderful on the inside. I want her to stay this way. We talk and talk and talk, so that she knows that how God made her is absolutely perfect and she feels good about herself. Yet sadly too many young girls do not. I am glad you got help and thank you for your honesty and your transparency in this post. May God bless you.
Hey guys, do you like dating with a cougar? Or are you a cougar yourself? Okay, no matter you are looking for a NSA, FWB or serious relationship. You'll want to check this out:
**== Cougarster.C-o-m ==**
It's where cougars and younger men can meet(Cougar is the slang for woman who is mature, experienced and want to date with a younger man).
haha wtf @ the cougar advertisement...
anyway, i never saw the appeal in having an eating disorder and try as i might, i can't understand what's going on in the minds of people who do have them
i wrote my research paper on pro-ana/pro-mia blogs, especially the ones here on xanga. its pretty disturbing to me that girls think being anorexic or bulimic is a desirable lifestyle thats just so sad. im glad you have recovered.
Thank you
I get self conscious sometimes, like any other girl, but I have never ever had or even thought about having an eating disorder. My mother is and always has been overweight, and she was very careful to teach me to only eat until I was full and go outside to play. She never took her own advice, but she was always concerned about making sure I was healthy and didn't have low self esteem. I'm 21 now, and I'm 5'4 and around 130lbs I think (I haven't been on a scale in a while), and I'm pretty sure I'm average on the BMI scale. My weight doesn't matter to me, because I don't intend to be a model or impress anyone, my friends love me for me, not my jean size.
If only more girls has a better support system of people helping to build up their self esteem during their crucial years.
thank you. i am 14 and slightly overweight. i have actually thought about an eating disorder but then i saw one of my friends go anorexic because she wanted to stay skinny and under 100lbs. i realized that i would never be able to deprive my body of the food it needs to be healthy.
@puppycows - it makes me so happy to hear this. this describes my parents perfectly. i'm so grateful for my parents and parents like you. it feels amazing to be healthy and have good self-esteem. it breaks my heart when i hear about normal weight girls whose parents make demeaning comments about their weight, which often brings on an ED. if all parents raised their kids like you did, this world would be a better case, because every girl deserves to receive love from her parents and encouragement to love herself.
whoaa, duudddeee... thats like... soo... ii dunno. lol... haha, why do girls think like that? ... they should be happy about the way they look.
"Nevermind what haters say ... Ignore 'em 'til they fade away." =]
Great post.
my family has suffered 5 times over because of eating disorders. my father actually crys when he sees the sites you mentioned.
he's now so paranoid that i will fall victim to the same thing that he records everything i eat to ensure that its not enough
these things don't only destroy you. they destroy the people you love.
amazing blog. one of the best statements i have seen made on xanga.
I've been there..not bulimia but I had an eating disorder when I was 15. I've seen 172 on my scale and shed 50 lbs in 3 months. It surely wasn't a glamorous lifestyle like these girls seem to think.
I applaud you .
I really love this post. I've struggled with eating and weight issues for years now - not bulimia, but anorexia - and while I have gotten better, to this day I still can't eat like a normal person would. It really bothers me to see sites in which people do what you've mentioned, they treat it as if it's something glamorous and desirable, but there's absolutely nothing even remotely glamorous or desirable about physically and mentally not being able to eat, or being able to eat but rejecting the food from your body shortly after.
thanx for sharing...
true. eating disorder are no fun. save your self before your wreck yourself.
This is powerful.... i've fought bullimia over my childhood to my adult hood. I looked at the people around me and all i saw was size 6's and 8's and then there is me, a 12 with wide hips and not being represented in the media or society. I tried almost each and every fad diet, my doctor even told me that because i was big boned even if i lost all the weight i was bound to put it back on at some point in life.
As time went on... i started looking at all these "pretty stick thin" girls and realised i didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to wake up every day having to weigh myself, having to sleep on a leaf of salad. I realised that real beauty is the ability to love who you are, take care of yourself without conforming to stereotypes. You know it's so sad what lack of self confidence can do to a young woman, i was once this woman and now i work with young women like these every day. Most of them have figures to die for, lead healthy lifestyles, but they don't know it. In response to this i have created an annual event called Miss Curvy Beauty U.K, that aims to put the well proportioned ladies on the map, penetrate the fashion industry and ridicule any anorexic and bullimic stigma's.
Enjoyed your post! keep writing.
I'm just tired of ED talk, period.
EDs are actually pretty uncommon, the most common being compulsive overeating **without** purging behavior.
We just focus on "oh these poor, tiny girls" when really, most of America's population is eating itself to death.
I want a post about twinkies, big gulps, and how it's not glamourous to sit on your ass all day.
Thank you.
I always worry about friends who are leaning towards becoming anorexic or bulimic. I try to discourage them from doing it by telling them how beautiful they are already =)
Thank you for sharing. Recc'ed =)